if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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