Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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