I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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