just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
