So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
