I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
there is glitter all over my balls
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
