I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
