I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
