All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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