NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
