I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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