Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
