So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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