a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
