She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Operation Purity has been aborted
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize