I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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