Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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