Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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