Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
