dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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