I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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