She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
