If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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