I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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