Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
