I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
