Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
