Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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