This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
