nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
