Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
