Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
