It's like God shit irony all over that family
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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