I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
