Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
