I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
and you fell through a lawn chair
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
