You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
