If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
