I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
