Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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