When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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