at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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