A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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