anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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