i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
