why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
