She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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