I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
