Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
