____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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