I hate all girls vehemently.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
