Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
