my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
