Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
there's paper in my vomit.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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