He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
