My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize