i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
